My all new Jokey-Bloggington can be found at:

My New Jokey-Bloggington can be found at:

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I’m back!

scan0006I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? I must say that I’ve had a fantastic summer, cruising both the Mediterranean and the Baltics on two magnificent vessels, namely the Carnival Sunshine and Carnival Legend.

The missus sez I’m very immature and that I have a childlike mentality and that we need to set some time aside to discuss this problem. As if that’s gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!
Yesterday, I told the window cleaner, in no uncertain terms, “I’ve confiscated your ladders, if I catch you looking at the missus through the bedroom window again, further steps will be taken.”
A pal of mine died last week. He was a taxi driver. At the funeral, the hearse turned up 20 minutes late, went to the wrong house, then went to the the wrong crematorium. It’s what he would have wanted….
I used to go out with a clairvoyant a few years ago. She was absolutely gorgeous. But she finished with me before I met her….
At the end of Hollyoaks last night it said, “If you have been affected by any issues raised in this programme then ring this helpline”. So I phoned the number and told them; “I can’t act either”…
Q) What’s the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?
A) Prince Andrew has never regretted getting rid of Fergie!

The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

The phone rang while I was having dinner. Answered it and woman launches into her script regarding PPI insurance. I start heavy breathing and then say, “What are you wearing?” Then hear ‘click’ and dialling tone. RESULT!! Next please!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

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Carnival Legend…

Just got back from Sicily after 4 days on the magnificent Carnival Legend in the Punchliner Comedy Club with George Lopez.scan0006

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Da weigh fings is….

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Last weekend, I invited a mate back home for dinner.  The missus screamed, “I’ve not done my hair, not done my make-up,  I ain’t done any housework, not done the dishes  and I can’t be bothered with cooking!  What the hell did you bring him back here for?”  I said, “Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

I got talking to a girl at the bar.  “So,” she said. “What do you dislike about yourself?”
I replied, “I often mislead people.”  “Really?” she asked.  I said, “No.”

Barmy Albert caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says “Don’t bother laughing, your next!”

Top Tip: You can’t taste the horse meat if you smother it in mascarpone sauce…

Fascinating Fact: After years of research, scientists at the University of Manchester Institute of Science & Technology have discovered what makes a woman happy.  Nothing.

Sometimes you just cannot win. I thought I’d be a proper gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady. Just two minutes later she said, “Will you go away and shut the toilet door!”

I spotted a white Transit van on the High Street yesterday.  It was covered in muck and some wag had written in the dirt, “I wish my wife was as dirty as this van”. I wrote “I bet she is – when you’re at work!”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would recommend it very highly.’   The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’  The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’   ‘Do you mean a rose?   ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while a student nurse, found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed to be wheeled to the lift.  On the way down the nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him.   ‘Dunno,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light?   Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com  Email me: comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work.  Spring has sprung!                  Top of Form

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You Couldn’t Make It Up!

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The missus came home to find me in the scullery preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal.  I was using our best china and had set elaborate place settings for two. “Oh this is a really nice surprise,” she whispered.   “Too flamin’ right it is,” I replied, “I didn’t expect you back until Wednesday.”

Barmy Albert had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a GP’s surgery should appreciate this. Doesn’t it seem more and more that doctors are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Albert:  He walked into the doctor’s and the receptionist asked him what he had. Albert replied,  ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, HHI number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse came out and asked him what he had.  Albert  said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told himto wait in the examining room.  A half hour later another  nurse came in and asked Albert what he had. He said, ‘Shingles’ So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an  electrocardiogram, and told Albert to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.  An hour later the doctor came in and found Albert sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what the problem was. Barmy Albert curtly informed him, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?   Albert said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em?’

Bonnie Tyler has been chosen to represent the UK in the Eurovision song contest.  I’m holding out for a zero.  I have her voice in the car on my Sat-Nav.  It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then, it falls apart!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.  His wife glares at him and says, ‘Who the hell was that?’ ‘Oh,’replies the husband, ‘she’s my mistress.’  ‘Well, that’s the last straw,’says the wife. ‘I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.’  ‘I can understand that,’ replies her husband, ‘but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the
garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.’  Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. ‘Who’s that woman with Jim?’ asks the wife.

‘That’s his mistress,’ says her husband.  ‘Ours is prettier,’ she replies..

This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting.  Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com.  You can also email me:  comedianuk@sky.com    Now, get back to work!

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Business Opportunity ~ Earn £££££’s!!!

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Are you looking for a home-based business opportunity that really works? Do you want to earn ££££’s? Money Talks!  Mine used to say ‘Goodbye!’  But not any more! Have you considered getting out of the rut and starting a new rut? Well look no further, because this is the business opportunity for you! Grab the lifestyle you love.  Be able to spend time between your town house in the peaceful village of Whalley Range-On- Benefits  and your holiday home in Cellarfield, overlooking the toxic radioactive waste dump.

Why not convert your cellar into a sausage-knotting factory?  Then enlist a dozen illegal immigrants into an indentured apprenticeship and let the fun begin. It really is that easy!

“But how do I convert my cellar into a sausage-knotting plant?”

It’s quite simple. Purchase a surplus tranche of sausage-knotting machinery, then buy a pallet load of horse meat and bung both acquisitions down in your cellar.

“Okay, that sounds easy enough, but where do I locate Bulgarian and Romanian workers to enlist into a dodgy indentured apprenticeship?”

Hire a massive truck, take a trip to Calais and open the rear doors of the vehicle. The container will literally fill itself within a matter of seconds.

“I live in Stalybridge. Can I rent a truck and just park it at the Calais border?”

You most certainly can.  However, it might take a considerable amount of time for you to collect a wagon load of prospective workers. I would strongly suggest baiting the truck with flagons of cold beer, menthol cigarettes and hot meat pies with chips and mushy peas, smothered in a rich onion gravy.

“I’m producing a hundred yards of gourmet horsemeat knotted sausage per hour. Who am I going to offload all this awful offal on?”

Believe it or not, that isn’t a stoopid question. All of the major supermarket and fast food outlets, as well as many High Street restaurants will leap at the opportunity to purchase your product. If all else fails, go fetch another truckload of immigrants and start a tin-canning business up in your loft. Everyone simply adores tinned horse meat and you can easily market your products at a local car boot sale.

“Is this business legal?”

Providing that you don’t get raided by the Trading Standards Authorities, you should have no trouble whatsoever. If your operation should be discovered, you can exercise one of the following three options in order to avoid being detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure:

1) Do a runner.
2) Have it away on your toes.

3) Go on the missing list.

This is all that you need to know to get yourself started in the exciting world of sausage- knotting production. It’s a jovial activity for your estranged family together with former

friends and you should reap the rewards for many years to come, or until you get your collar felt.

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

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7 Advantages of Mothers Milk…..

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The truth of the matter————Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A

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