The Vagina…

break-up

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to
The door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the
Lady “Do you have a vagina”.
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
And he asks the same question of the woman “Do you have a vagina”. She
Slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
Happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving
And concerned voice “Honeybunch,  I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in
Case this geezer shows up again”.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice “Honey darling, I’m going to
Hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
Answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with
It”. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fella is standing there and asks the same
Question.
Do you have vagina”…….
“Yes” she says……
The man replies.. “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
Wife’s’ alone and start using yours ?”

 

www.comedian.ws

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Aunt Bessie Strikes Again!

    Joe
Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can make love to me tonight” An elderly man shouts from the back of the room “A caravan !” Bessie thinks for a minute and says “Close enough!”Three boys are bragging about their fathers. “My dad’s an archer. He can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does” “Well, my dad’s a soldier. He can fire his gun and be there before the bullet” “That’s nothing” says the third boy. “My dad works for the local council. He finishes work at 5.00 and gets home at 3.45….”

A man walks into the street and hails a passing taxi. “Perfect timing” he tells the driver. “You’re just like Frank” “Who ?” asks the cabbie. “Frank Fielding. He’s a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance.” “Sounds like quite a guy” says the driver “That’s not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, and was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. Change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out” “Wow, what a man” ” He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. No-one could ever measure up to him” “Amazing. How did you meet him ?” “Oh, I never met Frank. I just married is f*cking widow”

I had a great business plan. I was going to build bungalows for dwarves. There was just one tiny flaw……

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…

A few years ago, following Saddam Hussein’s execution, the headline read “Tyrant Is Hanged” My old auntie Agnes was reading the Daily Mirror, looked at me and asked ” Who’s going to host Who Wants To Be a Millionaire now, then ?”  I remember that as though it was yesterday.  But I can’t for the life of me remember where I was last night….

I was deliberating over buying a new digital radio, and asked the young salesman the country of origin. “I’ll have to look on the box. Just a moment: I’ll check” he said, disappearing into the store room. He came back a few minutes later and announced “Built in Antenna, sir”

An elderly scotsman is celebrating 94th birthday. For a laugh, his friends send a six foot blond “masseuse” to his house. “Hi. I’m here to offer super sex” she tells him in a sultry voice. After a little thought he replies “I’ll have the soup, please”

Joe bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery as a birthday gift. The next year, he bought her nothing. “Don’t I deserve a present ?” she moaned. “You haven’t used the one I bought you last year….”

Latest acronym doing the rounds of our IT help desk staff refers to a waste-of-time call out to a hapless user. Such an event is referred to as a PICNIC. ( `Problem In Chair, Not In Computer…)

Dave, a supermarket worker, is called away from his till. “Your girlfriend’s gone in to labour early” a supervisor tells the worried young man. “A nurse left her direct number. Give her a ring and she’ll tell you what’s happening” Unfortunately, the manager has written the number down wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club instead. “How’s everything going ?” he asks. “Oh, fine” says a cheery woman at the other end of the phone. “We’ve got eight out already !” “Eight !” wails Dave, who’s already nervous enough about being a dad. “Yep,” says the lady “And the last one was a duck…”

During a service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. “Brother” he says to the first respondent “What is your need ?” “I need help with my hearing” the man answers. The preacher sticks his finger in the man’s ear and prays. “How’s your hearing now?” he asks. “I don’t know” says the man “It’s not till next Tuesday…”

 

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WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER

WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER.

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Adult Riddles…

Bob

Q) What’s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it’s worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’ and ‘aaaaaaah’?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don’t have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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The Rant…

offside

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were, when they were growing up.What with walking ten miles to school every morning. Uphill and barefoot… BOTH ways. Yawn! How could it be uphill both ways?

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of 50, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a land of milk and honey! And I hate to say it, but you young ‘uns today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the interweb. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bleedin’ local library and look it up ourselves, in the index card box!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the post box and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence apeice!

Social Services didn’t give a rats hoo-haa if our parents gave us an ‘ear warmer’. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!

There were none of them there iPods, iPhones, iTunes gubbins If you wanted to steal music, you had to schlep down to the record shop and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and that Tony Blackburn would usually talk over the beginning and ruin it with one of his bobbins jokes! There were no CD players or iPods! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would unravel. Because – that’s how we rolled. Geddit?

We didn’t have fancy technology like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got an engaged tone and that was that!

And we didn’t have the luxury of Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a bailiff, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, dude! That’s if you had a phone! WE had to use semaphore!

We didn’t have any state-of-the-art Sony Playstation or X-Box 360 video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little magazine called a TV Times to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! What with TWO flamin’ channels! You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the channel! It was BBC or ITV. AND NO REMOTE CONTROL!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILT LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat summat up we had to use the stove! Imagine that! NO DINGBOX!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

End of rant!

 

!cid_007f01cb28d9$40bb1d90$0200a8c0@JENNIFERNEW

 

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I deffo got it sorted!

                      !cid_984D9CDE-0A3F-4FD4-8877-DDDC200EA6A8

 

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

 

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

 

Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled ‘WHAT?'”

 

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

 

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either… but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.

 

Pure Genius...

 

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The Good Answers….

Peppa

                                Peppa Pig Jigsaw For Sale….

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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