Monthly Archives: September 2023

I walked out on to the stage last weekend and there was only one bloke sat in the audience! I sez: “Well I’m here and you’re here, so I’ll perform my whole international cabaret act, especially for you!”  He replied: … Continue reading →

The missus curtly informed me that there was a bloke knocking on our front door with a beard. I sez: “No wonder we didn’t hear him!”  Anyway, I went to the door and the bearded bloke told me that he … Continue reading →

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going … Continue reading →

I never drink beer on a Monday,Cos Monday’s the day fer mi healthAn’ the wife’s got me countin’ them units,I’ve just got to take care o’ miselfSo I merely have wine wi’ mi supper,An’ just the one litre OK?Then a … Continue reading →

My back legs have gone! I have contracted the most appalling malady. I give it the moniker of A-A-A-A-A syndrome. It stands for Age Animated Attention Arrears Ataxia. It manifests itself thus: The missus instructs me to paint the kitchenette … Continue reading →

Last week, I got told off by a copper for doing 40 in a 30mph zone.  Now they’ve sent me a letter saying “Speeding Fine”.  I just wish they’d make up their minds. Barmy Albert goes into The Pit Bull … Continue reading →