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Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the brief barbeque season, I reckoned it might be fortuitous to outline the official rules of play. Tempestuous rain, (in monsoon proportions) has for the last three consecutive years battered the UK during summertime, so I consider that it is of great importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this empyreal alfresco catering scenario.
Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbeque, a sequence of events are put into motion: (1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.
(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. She will exercise further extreme care when making an authentic pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.
(3) The woman shall prepare and season the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a suitable platter, alongside any requisite cooking utensils, sauces, and delivers it to the man, who is now languishing beside the grill, larruping copious tankards of ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.
(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where Here comes the important part:
(5) The male will place the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman shall proceed to the scullery and organise the requisite accessories.
(7) The woman rushes outside to inform the man that the meat is indeed burning. He profoundly thanks her, asking if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation. N.B. Cold beer fails to maintain an acceptable chilled temperature outdoors and should therefore be quaffed rapidly. (8) The man removes charred meat from grill and passes it to the woman. (9) The woman sets out the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments, (10) After the man and all the kids finish devouring the fodder, the woman shall then clear all detritus, wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘day off ‘and, upon witnessing her gobsmacked countenance (She has a face like a murders labourer), and flabbergasted reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women! |
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana! So visit my summer website www.ComedianUK.com . Now, get the BBQ cranked up!
A lady walks into a chemists shop and asked for some cyanide.
Chemist asked her why she wanted cyanide.- She said” I want to
poison my husband”
Chemist said” I cant give you cyanide- its against the law and I
would lose my licence and get struck off.
Lady reaches in her purse and produces a picture of her husband in
bed with chemists wife.
Chemist says “Well now- why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription”.
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before
I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About
two hours.”
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About three hours.”
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How
long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a
half.”
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, “Your house.”
A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics decended into chaos yesterday, when somebody shouted “He’s behind you! “
ComedianUK.com 