It was purely out of morbid curiosity that I tuned in to eavesdrop on Channel 4’s Big Brother this week. The beleaguered Michael Barrymore (who once owned the most perilous stretch of water in the United Kingdom) and Saddam-fan, the errant MP George Galloway are truly a sight to behold. Exactly what do Mr Galloway’s constituents think of his cat impersonations? The last time he got stroked and purred like a contented feline, was when he was on his hands and knees in Saddam’s palace. Being of Caledonian origin won’t help the matter either, because I’ve never heard of a Scottish fella contribute anything to a kitty! The rest of this reality cast, I am unfamiliar with. I did read about the strumpet who had a clandestine tryst with Sven, and subsequently attempted to topple the hierarchy of the FA, then there’s the tranny that looks like a fella, dressed as a woman, with lips that suggest that he/she could suck a tangerine through a tennis racket. Moreover, there are two young women who are quite fit, two young guys who look like they might work for Kwikfit, The veteran actress who divorced Denis Waterman (or was it Arthur Daley?). Barrymore possesses a predilection to spout inane banter constantly; indeed it would appear as though he has a touch of the ‘Mike Baldwin’s’. (The hamster is dead – but the wheel is still going round!). I can see one of those blue plaques being erected outside the Big Brother house. It would read ‘Whatsisname Lived Here’.
The return journey from my trip to the United Arab Emirates was on one of those cheapo flights. You know it’s an economy deal when the stewardess tries to sell you clothes pegs and lucky heather. A further mitigating factor is that you need to have exactly the right change before you board. Another giveaway is when they remove the steps away from the aircraft, it tends to fall over! The plane having an outside loo is yet another indication. Stopping at Aberdeen to take on wood really delayed us.
A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing her shower, when the there is a knock on the front door. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there standeth Sidney, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Sid says, "I’ll give you £500 if you’re prepared to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Sid. After a few seconds, Sid hands her £500 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and returns upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her hubby asks, "Who was that?" "It was Sid, the next door neighbour," she replies. "Excellent!" the husband sez, "did he give you that £500 he owes me?"
The next time you’re hanging about outside the laundrette, with your Lux flakes, tell everyone about this column and my website www.Comedian.ws Need a pay rise? Don’t forget to include your boss and tell him I sez you should get a lot more spondulix. Now, strike the pose!
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