My 11-year-old daughter Susannah has acquired two goldfish. I asked her what she was going to call them. She sez “I’m going to call them ‘one’ and ‘two.” I asked her why she was christening the goldfish with those particularly silly names, and was quite taken aback with her answer. “Well” she opined, “If one dies, then I’ll still have two!” What divine infantile logic!
My next-door neighbour Barmy Albert has been suffering with the old frozen shoulder and jogger’s nipple syndrome once again. He was told to report to the local hospital reception and contact Mrs. A. Imagine his surprise when he went to the local hospital and contracted MRSA! Albert is now like a Kwik Fit fitter; he’ll never get better.
In my local gym, there is one particular machine I like to go on. It’s the one with the Kit-Kats and Mars Bars in it. I went on the rowing machine last week, sometimes I can’t be bothered exercising, so I just sit there and drift.
Everybody seems to be exercise crazy these days. They reckon (whosoever ‘they’ are) that walking can add many minutes to your life. This would of course enable you at 85 years of age to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £700 per week. It’s all a matter of economics innit?
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 500 pounds. Haven’t lost any weight. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don’t exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
This geezer in my local gym (he has a face like a rucksack full of dented bells) came up to me and proclaimed “I can bench-press 350 pounds, what can you do then?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, “ I can read.”
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their respective spouses. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You’re running around with other women," she charged. "You’re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You’re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you’re doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs." said Eve. What’s all that about then?
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with oil and grease, then your nose will begin to itch or you’ll be bursting for a wee.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a puncture, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
ComedianUK.com 