Credit Crunch Tip No 342: With the price of petrol at an all time high, we must save precious fuel. I hereby advise that you should put a brick in your petrol tank forthwith. Problem sorted!
Chancellor Alistair Darling. Listen Up! Are those your own eyebrows, or are you trying to grow another pair of glasses? Go to Specsavers like the rest of us.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Hey Mister! – Are you there? Did you bring back Peter Mandelson to sort out the economy or because three eyes are better than one? I think we should be told!
I hear on the grapevine from my mole at the mega-rich Middle Eastlands Stadium, that Man City manager, ‘Sparky’ Mark Hughes was recently spotted at a Burger King drive-thru and when asked what he wanted to order replied, "Could I have two whoppers, please." The spotty-faced youth behind the glass sez
"Yeah, you’re gonna finish in the top four and win the F.A. Cup."
Whilst appearing at a local gig recently, a fella came up to me after the show and offered me five thousand quid to speak at a black-tie charity dinner in London for the Brittle Bone Society. Well, I snapped his hand off!
What’s this X Factor gubbins all about then? If Simon Cowell sez “You’re going home,” then you are indeed going home. It is hat and coat time. No amount of blubbing will achieve a reprieve. The trouble with kids today, is that they ALL want to be a ‘celebrity’. It just cannot be. Talent is a rare commodity, and as such, is not a largely homogeneous gift that the majority of the populace would possess. And that is exactly how it should be. Talent is RARE! Would it not be wonderful if all the Elvis impersonators were dead and Elvis was still alive! Obviously, the foregoing does not apply to Gary Glitter. I have been in showbiz since 1973, and suffered my fair share of bad fortune. I was a failure in the boom era, enduring many years on the crest of a slump. Unspoiled by failure. This credit crunch lark is a mere bagatelle to me. I lost both my parents when I was eleven years of age. What a card game that was! I’ve never played cards since. I’m terrified of winning them back! Being left an orphan at eleven years of age is quite disconcerting. I mean, what is an eleven year old going to do with an orphan? There was no such thing as eBay in those days.
A lovely time was had by all, as my picture shows with Joe Royle, over the last couple of weeks. We spoke at a dinner at Dukinfield Town Hall for the Man City Supporters Club, then the Park Lane Hilton in London this week. He is a great guy, very down to earth, and a superb top-table companion, he possesses a quirky sense of humour, and fires off a fund of hilarious soccer anecdotes that had the audience rolling in the aisles. I know, I was under ‘em!
Another nice ‘do’ that I had the pleasure of appearing at this week was Lincoln Sporting Club, where I met affable aquatic Lizzie Simmons, just back from Beijing, who we will see in London in 2012 and is a hotly tipped to be the next British gold medallist swimmist. She’s only 18 and has a fantastic future. You read it here first folks! Pictured with me also is my old mate, the irrepressible Geoff Miller, the new national England Cricket Selector. Geoff spent twenty years on the professional cricket circuit representing Derbyshire, Essex, Natal and England. He travelled to all the major Test-playing countries and played with or against some of the greatest players in the game. To which he freely admits: "I wasn’t one of them!" He is a brilliant and polished after-dinner speaker and I urge you to go and see him, because we need the money.
Acknowledgement and Mennifanx to Richard Picksley for this photpgraph innit.
I’m at Old Trafford doing the Man Utd former players dinner tonight, so more about that next week. But remember, the statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some manner of mental aberration. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it must be you! But are you unhinged enough to visit my website? Just click on www.Comedianuk.com and strike the pose. You can email me at austin.knight@homecall.co.uk
WHEN PUMPKINS GET PISSED……..
ComedianUK.com 