Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR
16 July 2009
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque
for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I
would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I
approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as
dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you
want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester
Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an
accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any
Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing
pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was
£1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque
for not rearing any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not
rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about
£240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing
pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000
pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4
million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be
eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not
producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000
tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not
growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to
not feed the pigs I don’t rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send
any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the
current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an
e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several
thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally
unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I
shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully,
Nigel Johnson-Hill
ComedianUK.com 