The rain was tempestuous and the storm was gathering apace, when Non-Stick Nora discovered Barmy Albert perched in front of a big puddle outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, totally drenched and holding a tree branch with a length of twine dangling in the muddy water. Nora stopped and asked him: ” What’re you doing?” “Fishing” declared Albert. Feeling really sorry for him, Nora sez: “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me. I’m buying!” While languishing in front of the pub fire as they sip their hot toddies, Nora can’t resist asking: “So, how many have you caught today?” ” You’re the fifth” replies Barmy Albert.
Over the weekend, I went to B&Q at The Snipe and there was a bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that ‘No More Nails’ and a hammer! What’s all that about then? There was a big banner up which bore the legend, ‘Stainless Steel Sinks’. I thought, “I already know that!” If you’re ever bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I strongly recommend that you go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the staff. Here’s how to participate. You diligently patrol every aisle, however, still cannot find the item that you need. Suddenly, you spot an assistant sporting the trademark orange apron. You walk towards the orange apron and suddenly, it disappears! If you want some attention, here’s a tip. Try and start a chainsaw. You’ll get plenty of assistance then!
So, the geezer with the orange apron in B & Q told me that: “With this state-of-the art chainsaw you’ll be able to fell forty trees a day!” I took it back the following week and I told the customer services bloke that that I’ve tried it out and I only managed to fell twenty trees a day with it.” The customer services guy takes it from me and pulls the start cord and it works brilliantly. I sez to him: “What the hell is all that noise?”
On the same subject, Tommy Grabknuckle went into B & Q store and orders 10,000 bricks. “May I ask what you’re building?” asks the fella in the orange apron. “It’s going to be a barbecue.” Tommy replied. “Wow! that’s a lot of bricks for one barbecue,” Tommy sez: “Not really. I live on the 12th floor.”
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her diploma, which bore her full name. Suddenly, I remembered a gorgeous statuesque brunette with the same name had been in my high school class some forty odd years ago. Could she be the same girl that I had a secret crush on, back in the day? Upon seeing her, however, I quickly discarded any such thought that this grey-haired woman with the deeply-lined face was far too old to have been my classmate, or could she? After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended Nicholls Ardwick High School. “Yes, I did.” she gleamed with pride. “What year did you leave?” I asked. .She answered, “in 1975. Why do you ask?” “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. She looked at me closely. Then, that old, wrinkled harridan of a dentist asked me: “What subject did you teach?”
Ten reasons you can tell that you’re getting old:
1.You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay at home.
5. When happy hour is a nap.
6. When you’re on holiday and you run out of breath before you run out of money.
7. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
8. When all you want for your birthday is to NOT be reminded of your age.
9. When you step off the kerb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Jürgen Klopp announces shock decision to step down as Liverpool manager at the end of the 2024 season, after eight and a half years. He has said he is “Running out of energy.” He reckons his younger brother Klipperty might want to take over. A Liverpool fan said today: “This is the saddest day in Liverpool since the invention of locking wheel nuts…”
Last week, I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It’s something I can see myself doing. “Now this is the verbal part of your employment test,” said the interviewer. “Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?” “Certainly,” I replied. “It means I don’t get the job.”
The missus texted me at a gig last week: “Windows at home frozen – what should I do?” I texted back: “Spray some de-icer or pour warm water on them.” A few minutes later, she replied: “Done all that, now computer won’t work at all now”.
Barmy Albert had a terrible accident at work. He cut two fingers off his right hand and was taken to A & E at Tameside Hospital. He asked the doctor if he’d still be able to write with it. The doctor sez: “Probably. But I wouldn’t count on it.” When he went into surgery, the consultant told Albert that with the technology they have today, if he’d had packed the fingers in ice and brought them to the hospital, they could have stitched them back on. Albert replied: “I know that. But I couldn’t pick them up!” In fact, he only noticed the two fingers were missing when he was saying good night to the foreman….
I overheard a woman (she had a face like a careless beekeeper) on the 237 bus saying that she won’t let her grandchildren watch Peppa Pig on telly, because it encourages bad behaviour like “Jumping in puddles.” When I was a kid, I watched Road Runner, but I haven’t blown anyone up with a stick of dynamite as yet.
Non-Stick Nora visited the doctor and told him that her body hurts wherever she touched it. “That’s impossible!” the doctor proclaimed. “Show me.” Nora touched her elbow and screamed in pain. She then pushed her knee and ankle and screamed. The doctor asked her: “Do you dye your hair?” Nora replied: “No. I’m really a blonde.” The doctor sez: “I thought so. Your finger is broken…”
Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was doing the Times crossword and shouted to his wife Elsie who was in the kitchenette: “I’m stuck on 4 across. The clue is flightless bird from Iceland. 6 and 7” Elsie shouted back: “That’s easy. It’s frozen chicken….”
Thought for Thursday: It’s strange is it not, that the UK government are able to police the red sea, but can’t sort out the English Channel.
Moreover, only a fool believes that electricity used for air conditioning harms the planet, but electricity used to charge a Tesla doesn’t. However, this geezer picked up his brand-new Tesla and the salesman tells him: “This car is so high-tech that you just have to speak to the radio and it’ll plat exactly what it is told!” The bloke gives it a go. He shouts “Beatles” and it plays ‘Help.’ He shouted “Stones.” And it played ‘Satisfaction’. A couple of days later, he is out driving, when he gets cut up at a roundabout. He shouts “Utter scumbag!” and the radio starts playing: “When you Walk Through a Storm, Hold Your Head Up High….”
I phoned that insurance company that constantly advertises on telly and said, “I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert.” “Okay” they said, “How much is your car insurance at the moment?” I said, “£400.”
Dianne Abbott has come to the conclusion that the moon is actually more useful than the sun. Since the moon gives us light when it’s dark. Whereas, the sun only gives us light during the day, when it’s already light. Fascinating!
Fascinating Fact: The naked man fears no pickpockets…
Of course, everyone remembers Emily Davison, the suffragette who threw herself in front of the King’s horse at Ascot in 1912. Nobody remembers her husband Walter, who didn’t get his tea that night…
Pinch Punch. First of the month! I sincerely reckon that the person who invented the word February, must’ve had summat to do with the word Wednesday. Was it a lady named Siobhan. Did she live in Featherstonehaugh? The missus sez: “New year, same old lazy you. I hope you’ve got something good planned for Valentines Day.” I replied: “I have indeed. I think I’ll take the Christmas tree and all the decorations down.” That’s when the fight started!
I was quaffing a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I noticed a gorgeous foxy blonde lady sitting at the bar drinking champagne. Just my type, thought I and meandered across and sat down next to her. I sez: “You have that ‘lost’ look in your eyes.” She looked at me with much disdain and replied, “You’re close. It’s a ‘get lost’ look.” Aaargh! Hat and coat time already!
Over Christmas, I visited a night club in Manchester and the doorman curtly informed me that I couldn’t be admitted because it looked as though: “I’d had a few too many!” I sez: “You mean drinks?” He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and replied” “No. I meant birthdays!”
I got home quite late and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one’s feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”
Of course, the following day, she was quite offhand with me. I was sitting on the sofa watching The Chase, when I heard her voice from the kitchenette. “What would you like for tea, lovely? Chicken, beef or lamb?” I replied, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.” “You’re having soup. I was talking to the dog!”
Meanwhile, at Hovel No 9, up Scropton Street back snicket, Barmy Albert is getting into the shower, just as Non-Stick Nora is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings. Nora quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there standeth Sidney, the next-door neighbour. Before she utters a syllable, Sid exclaims: “I’ll give you £500, if you’re prepared to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, Nora drops her towel and stands naked in front of Sid. After a few seconds, Sid hands her £500 and leaves. Nora then proceeded to wrap herself back up in the towel and returns upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, Albert sez: “Who was that at the door?” Nora replied: “It was Sid, the next-door neighbour,” Albert sez: “Excellent! Did he give you that £500 he owes me?”
As I get older, I’ve noticed that: My forget is getting betterer, but my remember tote is broke. To you that may seem amusing, but to me, this is no joke. For when I’m here, I’m wondering, If I really should be there and when I try to think it through, I haven’t got a prayer! Many times I walk into a room, thinking “what have I come in here for?” I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero is my score. At times I put something away, where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from is generally only me! When shopping, I may see someone and say: “Hello” and have a chat. Then, when that person walks away I think: “Who the flamin’ ‘ell was that?’ Yes, my forget is going betterer but my remember tote is broke, and it’s driving me pots for rags and that isn’t any joke!
I texted my daughter, asking her: ‘What Are You Doing Right Now?’ She texted back saying, ‘Probably failing my driving test…’ Apparently, her driving instructor told her to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he asked her, “Why haven’t you pulled over yet?” She said, “Because we’re still in Liverpool.”
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
I walked to the paint shop to get thinner. That didn’t work. I then decided to fill the car up with petrol. I visited Tesco Petrol Filling Station, however, the first pump I went to didn’t work, I tried the second pump and nothing came out of that one either, nor the third pump. So, I went into the kiosk and said to the young lady behind the counter: “Do you have your pumps on?” “No, I haven’t”, she said “I’ve got me Ugg boots on!”
On Epiphany, The Imperial Wizard Roy Wood was accused of being a hypocrite, after it emerged that he’d taken down all his Yuletide decorations. Despite claiming that he wished it could be Christmas every day, Mr Wood was spotted over the weekend disposing of tinsel, glittery baubles and a Christmas tree (minus all the needles!) at the local Domestic Waste Disposal and Household Items Recycling Centre, (hereinafter referred to as the Tip). What could follow? No snow at Christmas? No peace on earth? Noddy Holder screeching at us that it’s NOT actually Christmas? Mud telling us that they weren’t actually lonely this Christmas, they had a load of mates round and were all dancing about on their Tiger Feet? That’s right, That’s Right, That’s Right!
Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street back snicket, standing at the base of a flagpole, gazing skyward when Non-Stick Nora walked by and asked him what he was up to. Albert sez: “I’m supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but I don’t have a ladder.” So, Nora took out a pair of mole grips from her handbag, loosened a few nuts and bolts and then proceeded to lay the flagpole down on the ground. She then took a tape measure out of her anorak pocket, took a few measurements and proudly announced that it was exactly sixteen feet and nine inches. Just then, as she was sauntering off, Albert shouted: “Typical woman! I need the height and you give me the length”
Ladies! Listen Up! According to quantum physics, a particle vibrating due to your sound when you speak can affect a molecule inside a star at the very edge of the universe instantly. This phenomenon is known as quantum entanglement. The greatest illusion of the universe is the illusion of separation. It’s like when you’re shopping in The Trafford Centre and your husband goes missing, but you eventually find him in Wetherspoons.
Fascinating Facts: There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. Moreover, after all these years, the swimming pool on the Titanic is still full.
I was in my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and the barmaid was most obliging. She sez if I took her outside, she’d show me a good time. Imagine my surprise when she ran 100 metres in 9.57 seconds! Incredible!
My granny always used to say that the answer to everything, was a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. She was a lovely woman, but she was rubbish on The Chase.
In 2024, take care of yourself and avoid accidents, because spare parts for old models like you and I are no longer in stock.
If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just say it. If you’re confused, ask questions. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are in a quandary, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then give. If you love someone, tell them NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to make you a cheese omelette! If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too: – comedianuk@sky.com
My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
We were really poor as kids. At Christmas, my older brother got an air guitar and I got his old one…
I was in the office typing a script when I heard the voice of my old friend, the late comedian Bernard Manning on BBC Breakfast News on the telly in the adjacent living room. I wondered what the news article could be, so stopped what I was doing and went to investigate. It wasn’t Bernard Manning. It was the dulcet tones of Everton Manager Sean Dyche! Don’t mention the VAR!
Barmy Albert staggered home from his local tavern The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and Non-Stick Nora hollered at him: “I can’t believe how drunk you are!” Firmly denying this, Albert replied, “I am not bladdered.” “Yes, you are.” Nora insisted. No, I’m definitely not.” Albert objected. Nora opined: “Okay then, can you tell the time?” It was then that Albert tottered up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez: “I’m definitely not drunk.” Incandescent with rage, Nora then asked the intoxicated Albert: “Are those thick lens glasses you’re wearing?’” Albert replied: “No, they’re mine…” That’s when the fight started!
Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage.
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked “Is my time up?” Gabriel said, “No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn’t you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?” Gabriel replied: ”Jeepers! I didn’t recognise you!”
New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes the ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the limousine and goes back to her mother.
Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied: ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language at school.” To which his mate replied: “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it?”
In 2024 take the following steps to looking after yourself: Avoid lollygaggers, knaves and popinjays. If it dosen’t seem okay, then don’t do it. Say exactly what you mean. Trust your instincts. Never speak in a negative fashion about yourself. Never give up on your dreams. Say NO! a lot more often. Be kind to yourself. Let go of whatever you can’t control. Stay well away from drama, negativity and toxic narcissists. Love. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or you can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
I was in the office typing a script when I heard the voice of my old friend, the late comedian Bernard Manning on BBC Breakfast News on the telly in the adjacent living room. I wondered what the news article could be, so stopped what I was doing and went to investigate. It wasn’t Bernard Manning. It was Everton Manager Sean Dyche! Don’t mention the VAR!
Barmy Albert staggered home from his local tavern The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and Non-Stick Nora hollered at him: “I can’t believe how drunk you are!” Firmly denying this, Albert replied, “I am not bladdered.” “Yes, you are.” Nora insisted. No, I’m definitely not.” Albert objected. Nora opined: “Okay then, can you tell the time?” It was then that Albert went up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez: “I’m definitely not drunk.” Incandescent with rage, Nora then asked the intoxicated Albert: “Are those Thick Lens glasses you’re wearing?’” Albert replied: “No, they’re mine…” That’s when the fight started!
Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage.
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked “Is my time up?” Gabriel said, “No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn’t you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?” Gabriel replied: ”Jeepers! I didn’t recognise you!”
New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes the ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the limousine and goes back to her mother.
Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied: ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language at school.” To which his mate replied: “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it?”
Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or youcan email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
Went to see the new Willie Wonka movie over the weekend. It cost £14.50 each to get in! A fella sat a few seats away persisted in making loud and incoherent grunting noises all the way through the movie, which marred the whole experience. I leaned over and asked him where he was from and he pointed upwards and groaned: “the balcony”. Then there were two women sat in front of us who constantly chattered throughout the movie. I tapped one of them on the shoulder and sez: “I’m sorry, but I can’t hear.” She replied: “I should hope not. This is a private conversation!”
In 2024, remember that you’re not the same person you were a year ago. You’re much worse now…
When I told my doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance!
Why do they put “Out of Order” signs on escalators? Why not just say: ‘Temporarily Stairs’?
Q. Before candles, how did folks light their homes in Toxteth, Liverpool?
A. Electricity.
As she opened her presents on Christmas Day morning, I got the only apology I’ve ever had from the wife. She said she was sorry she ever married me.
Fascinating Fact: The worst time to have a coronary thrombosis, is at Christmas time during a game of Charades.
Last year, we got a turkey from IKEA and it took me two days to assemble it and then on Boxing Day, a leg fell off. Never again!
In King Charles Christmas address on TV: Global Warming: Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate an innocent polar bears demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted! I did my bit for climate change this morning. I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used.
Apparently, the most popular New Years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Merely smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day.
On New Years Eve, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were stopped by a police officer on the M67 for speeding. The officer sez: “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” Barmy Albnrt replies: “Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, Nora says sweetly from the passenger seat, “Now don’t be silly, Albert, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” As the officer writes out the ticket, Albert looks over at his Nora and growls, “Can’t you keep your gob shut for once?” Nora smiles demurely and says, ” You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Albert glowers at Nora and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it woman, can’t you keep quiet for a few minutes!” The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic £100 fine which is mandatory.” Albert, says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.” Nora pipes up:” Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving, and you never passed your test, so you don’t have a driving licence. And as the police officer is writing out the third and fourth ticket Albert turns to Nora and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?” The officer looks over at Nora and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?” Nora replies: “Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he’s been drinking.”
Happy New 2024! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.
ComedianUK.com 